When it comes to your parents, be as selfish as possible.
This might seem like a surprising statement, especially when we’re taught from a young age that selfishness is wrong, that we should be kind and selfless.
But in this case, it’s a different kind of selfishness—a necessary one.
It’s the kind of selfishness that involves healing the deepest wounds within you by addressing the unresolved pain from your past, starting with your parents.
Many of us carry the weight of unresolved hurt and anger from our childhood.
Whether it’s the hurt 9-year-old who felt unseen or the angry teenager who raged against authority, those parts of ourselves don’t just disappear as we age.
They live within us, hidden but powerful, affecting how we see the world, how we react to situations, and how we form relationships.
The truth is, unless we confront these old wounds, they remain open.
They might scab over for a while, but the hurt lingers, waiting to resurface at the slightest trigger.
And the longer we avoid confronting them, the more we risk carrying that pain into every relationship, every interaction, and every new experience in life.
Facing the Source of the Pain
For many people, the source of that deep pain lies in their relationship with their parents or caregivers.
Parents, no matter how well-intentioned, are human.
They make mistakes.
They act out of ignorance, fear, or misunderstanding.
And those mistakes often leave lasting scars on their children.
Whether it was criticism, neglect, emotional distance, or a failure to understand, many of us carry the burden of these childhood experiences into adulthood.
We try to move forward, but the child inside of us—the hurt 9-year-old or the angry teenager—still aches for resolution, for healing.
As Robert Frost once said, “The only way out is through.”
To heal those childhood wounds, we must confront them head-on.
This doesn’t mean reliving every painful memory or reopening old traumas in a way that harms us.
Instead, it means approaching our parents—the ones who hurt us out of ignorance—with intention, courage, and a desire to forgive.
Not for their sake, but for our own.
The Power of Visiting with Intention
Visiting your parents, especially if your relationship has been strained or distant, may be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do.
But it’s also one of the most important steps toward healing.
When you visit with the intention to forgive, to understand, and to let go, you’re not just healing your relationship with them—you’re healing yourself.
By visiting your parents, you show the child and teenager within you that you are now a strong, capable adult.
You are no longer that helpless 9-year-old who didn’t know how to protect themselves.
You are no longer the angry teenager rebelling against the world.
You are an adult who has taken control of their life, who has the strength to face the past and release its hold on you.
When you approach your parents with this mindset, you begin to see them not just as the source of your pain, but as human beings who were also flawed, hurt, and likely carrying their own unresolved wounds.
This doesn’t excuse their actions, but it allows you to see the bigger picture—and in doing so, you can start the process of forgiveness.
Forgiveness as a Path to Freedom
Forgiving your parents is not about absolving them of responsibility.
It’s about releasing the hold their actions have on you.
It’s about freeing yourself from the resentment, anger, and pain that have weighed you down for so long.
When you forgive your parents, you’re also giving yourself permission to forgive yourself.
You’re letting go of the guilt, shame, and self-blame that often accompany unresolved childhood trauma.
You’re telling yourself that you are worthy of healing, that you deserve to be free from the past.
This act of forgiveness, both for your parents and for yourself, is the key to healing your childhood wounds.
It allows you to move forward with a sense of peace and clarity that you’ve likely never experienced before.
Breaking the Cycle
If we don’t heal these wounds, we risk passing them on to the next generation.
The pain and anger we carry from our childhood seep into our relationships, our parenting, and our interactions with others.
We may unconsciously repeat the same patterns of behavior that hurt us as children, perpetuating a cycle of trauma and pain.
But when we confront our past, when we forgive and heal, we break that cycle.
We ensure that we don’t pass down our unresolved wounds to our children.
Instead, we give them the gift of a healed, whole parent who can love and guide them without the baggage of the past.
The Courage to Heal
Healing isn’t easy.
It takes courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths.
But it’s one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and for the people you love.
If you choose not to heal, if you choose to avoid the hard conversations and the difficult emotions, you will carry that pain with you for the rest of your life.
It will show up in your relationships, in your work, in your interactions with others. And it will likely be passed down to your children, continuing the cycle of hurt and unresolved trauma.
But if you choose to confront your past, if you choose to visit your parents with the intention to forgive and heal, you will free yourself from that pain.
You will show the hurt child and the angry teenager within you that you are strong enough to face anything.
And in doing so, you will create a future filled with peace, love, and healing.
The Power of Selfish Healing
When I say “be as selfish as possible” with your parents, I mean be selfish in your pursuit of healing.
Do what you need to do to heal your childhood wounds, even if it means revisiting painful memories or having difficult conversations.
This selfishness isn’t about putting yourself above others—it’s about prioritizing your own healing so that you can live a life free from the burdens of the past.
Because here’s the truth: the only way out is through.
You cannot heal by avoiding or running from your past.
You must confront it, face it, and move through it. Only then will you find the peace and freedom you’ve been searching for.
So visit your parents.
Forgive them.
Forgive yourself.
And in doing so, heal the wounds that have held you back for far too long.
With love, yours truly, Cristian, in collaboration with ChatGPT.