L. Right, so what is on your mind this morning?
R. Well, she is, and that stupid song I had on repeat for the last week.
L. She! She is something else, isn’t she?
R. She sure is.
L. I know that I am you, and you are me, but explain to me, for the sake of definition and clarity, the best way you can, how your thoughts about her affect your emotions and how your emotions towards her influence your thoughts.
R. Yes, well, some things, thoughts, and emotions can’t be explained because they are too much and too complex, but I will do my best. When she is next to me or even in the same room, I feel more alive. It is like her presence alone elevates my whole being in the way that my back gets straighter, my mind is clearer, and everything seems possible all of a sudden.
R. Ow, interesting thought. Do you know what I have just realized?
L. What?
R. You can’t run or fly with crutches.
L. What!?
R. I mean crutches in a metaphorical way. After I hit rock bottom, my mind went into overdrive, trying to identify something to hold on to. Reading, watching interviews and podcasts, trying to find something to give me hope and new habits to give some structure to my life and my existence as a whole. It felt like my legs were broken, and my spine was made of Jell-O.
L. Uhh, I remember.
R. Yeah, I was looking for crutches and I found some. I remember, at one point, I was holding so many that it was impossible to move forward, and that brings me to my point. There will come a point where you will be faced with the opportunity to run or fly again after years of barely standing and barely walking and that is the moment when you need to get rid of all your crutches.
L. You can’t run or fly with crutches.
R. You can’t. You need to put everything down and breathe for a moment to detox and clarify what you are. It is the point where only the core can move forward; everything else needs to be discarded.
L. Scarry moment!?
R. It is. Jesus, her smell just popped into my being. Anyways, yes, crutches and armor and all that. You need to put everything down to move forward. We’ve built a tank, a soldier, and a warrior to get out of hell. Now that I got out of there, I have to discard most of what I’ve put on myself and teach myself to move forward into Heaven, so to speak.
L. Scarry!?
R. It is, yes. What if hell returns?
L. Hell. Yes, I remember. I remember the taste, the colors, the smell, the sounds, the thoughts we had, and what we felt. But hey, we got out of there. Can you actually believe that?
R. No, I can not my good sir, I can not. But we did, didn’t we?
L. Yes, but never the same.
R. Well, thank God for that. The only tragedy of going through all that would have been to not get anything out of it. We faced it all; we let it touch us, form us, and sculpt us into the man we are today.
L. And now?
R. Now? Now, we stand at the gates of Heaven full of scars and full of stories.
L. Okay, and? What’s next?
R. Breathing in peace for two seconds is the first thing that comes to mind. I need to catch my breath here.
L. Dramaqueen. And now?
R. Cleansing, detoxing, and entering.
L. It’s going to be glorious.
R. Indeed.
L. What about her?
R. She’s holding us back a bit.
L. Why?
R. She’s not done with her own hell.
L. Is she worth the wait after so many years of expecting to get to this place? Shouldn’t we go in without her?
R. We can’t. We will never be able to forgive ourselves for not waiting. You can see that she is not only doing the work, but she’s attempting the impossible. Progress. There is a lot of progress.
L. You put a lot of pressure on her. Sometimes, I think you put too much. She will break.
R. Ow, but she won’t. You’ll see.
L. What if you put pressure on her, she manages to come to take your hand, and you walk into Heaven together, but once you get there, she lets go of your hand and finds someone else?
R. May God bless her. It’s going to hurt like hell, but she’s still worth it.
L. You suffer from hero syndrome; do you know that?
R. Yeah, but that is a good disease to have. Think about it. We will always know that we waited and managed to get her out of hell and into Heaven. No one will ever take that away from us. Even if she leaves us after we get there, it’s going to be worth it. Her happiness is worth it. And also let us not forget the impact she had on us and our lives.
L. Yes, ow yes. She went straight into our heart and soul. She loved us exactly how we needed to be loved and exactly when we needed it. Amazing.
R. Yes. As I was saying, she is worth the wait.
L. Interesting place to write from.
R. What do you mean?
L. Our current state of mind, emotion, and vibration. I don’t recall ever being so clear, healthy, and focused. I love it.
R. Yup, me too. I love her. We love her. It’s clear and it’s purrifying.
L. You do realize that it is Christmas morning, you are alone in your apartment, and you don’t know for sure where she is or what she is doing, right?
R. I do, but I trust her. I can not stop trusting her, and believe me, I have tried.
L. Yeah, we’ve tried. It would have been easier not trusting her. We could have put her with the rest of them in our mind and heart and move on forward alone. Trusting her makes it harder because that trust forces us to wait for her at the gates of Heaven.
R. Exactly, but she’s worth the wait, and the walk through the gates is going to be way better with her hand in mine and a big smile on my face instead of walking in alone with my head slightly lowered and a grim look on my face.
L. Hmm, interesting conversation.
R. Indeed. We’ve diverted from the subject slightly.
L. Nah, I don’t think so. We just went deeper than we’d anticipated.
With love, yours truly, Cristian and Cristian.