Childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, or mental health issues are not light subjects.
That is why I am going to be direct and only speak from my personal experience.
Search, and you shall find.
I must be honest with you and say that I started searching for answers after I got divorced. I was raised in a family that transitioned from working with its hands and with animals to get their daily bread, literally, to my parents being the first generation that lived in the city. Trauma, depression, emotional regulation, and mental health were subjects I had never heard anything about.
I spent all my vacations with my grandparents until I was seventeen in the countryside, helping around the house and working the land with my grandfather. I am 38 years old as I write this post, and even now, at the beginning of September, I get the chills. September was the end of the summer vacation, and every time, every single year, I used to get depressed at the thought that I must come back to school.
Coming back to the city to live in a two-bedroom apartment, going to school, and having a fixed schedule after spending the whole summer living at a farm, being outside every day in the sunlight, and in contact with animals seemed unreasonable and unhealthy to me.
Living in a small village where everybody knew you by your first name brought with it the feeling of being part of the community, a deeper connection with other people, and safety—a real feeling of being home.
A sense of isolation from the community, conformity, straight lines, too much order, and comfort did not work for me at all, and they still don’t.
In the city, I had too much energy in the tanks at the end of the day.
In the city, concrete was everywhere, and walking barefoot was banned with the “Keep of the grass” sign.
In the city, I was not allowed to have a pet because the apartment was too small, and my parents worked three shifts, so they did not have the time to walk the dog on a fixed schedule.
In the city, the feeling of connection with the community was lacking entirely. Most connections or friendships were shallow at best because everybody seemed to be guarded and afraid of the other person.
In the city, going to church every Sunday or praying every day seemed to be outdated and old-fashioned, while at my grandparent’s house, we would not go out of the house in the morning before we said our prayers. Kneeling before the bed at night, right before we went to sleep, to pray and be thankful for the day was a normal practice, and going to church on Sunday while wearing your best outfit was as normal and required as breathing.
From my whole life experience, I have come to understand that I am at my best when I spend time outside every day and when I leave nothing in the tanks at the end of the day. Going to the gym is a must for me.
I have come to understand that I can not function properly if I put another person in my heart where only God should be. Whenever I do that intentionally or by mistake, I feel lost immediately, while when I put God in my heart first, I have a feeling of belonging, identity, purpose, and direction.
Daily physical activity, contact with nature and animals, a sense of belonging to a community, and a healthy daily relationship with God seem to keep the devil outside the door of mind and body while comfort, isolation, laziness, and no connection with the divine invite him in.
Maybe there is some chemical imbalance in your mind or body, and that is why you feel lost and depressed.
Maybe you haven’t prayed in a while. I mean, really pray with your heart, mind, body, and spirit. Just mumbling some words while your mind is on your finances and your body is doing the dishes is not prayer.
Maybe you are lazy. Too much physical energy at the end of the day transforms itself into anger and frustration.
Maybe you don’t spend enough time outside in nature and sunlight.
Maybe you need a dog or a cat. Something else alive to take care of besides yourself.
Isolation can be stopped by volunteering to help those less fortunate than ourselves. This will give us the joy we can only get when helping another human being and give us a sense of being useful and belonging to a community.
I know you already have the answers for yourself. In some miraculous way, we all know what we need to do to get ourselves unstuck.
Some of us do what we know we have to and get unstuck, while others don’t.
Some of us use childhood trauma, depression, and anxiety as fuel, and others use them as excuses and form their entire identity around them.
If you are reading this, you have a choice; you know you do.
With love, yours truly, Cristian.